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Warning Regarding
the RCA Prenuptial Agreement
by Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
Do not sign the pre-nuptial agreement of
the RCA.
It forces the husband to pay the wife
hundreds of dollars per week anytime she decides to kick him out of the
house. It claims this money is in lieu of support payments mandated by
the Torah. But there are no support payments mandated by the Torah for a
woman who breaks the marriage without proving the evil doings of the
husband. Therefore, when a civil court enforces the RCA pre-nuptials, it
forces a payment of hundreds of dollars per week to the wife that are
not required by the Torah. It thus forces the GET by threatening the
husband's money. This is a forced and invalid GET.
Pre-Nuptial Agreements
by Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
A pre-nuptial agreement
has the function of preserving the marriage, resolving difficulties in
writing before they erupt, and if necessary, showing how to save the
marriage with counseling, and if that fails, how to divorce without
anger.
A pre-nuptial agreement that only serves to pressure the husband to
divorce is IMMORAL.I would suggest the following in a pre-nuptial
agreement, or agreements, which are to be completed and accepted by both
parties immediately prior to the engagement:
 | I, name, address, city,
phone, and I, name, address, city, phone, do hereby agree to
contemplate marriage, at a time in the future. Our engagement,
schedule for (today, this week, etc.) will not be an act of
marriage, and will merely indicate our desire to marry at a future
time. It will not be an act of Nisuim nor will it be construed as
Erusin, and there is no binding oath to marry. Any exchange of
rings, gifts, etc. shall be gifts without the purpose of
consummating a marriage. (This is proper because some may regard the
engagement ring as ERUSIN.) |
| I, and I commit
ourselves to counseling before the marriage. We will learn the laws
of marriage according to the Torah, and we will learn what the Torah
advises are stresses on the marriage, and how the Torah and wisdom
dictate that we behave to resolve those problems. We will read such
and such books, and speak to such and such.
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| We will at all times
have a third party between us to resolve any differences.
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| Any party, at any time,
may invoke the third party, and each side encourages the other to do
so. In the event that the third party cannot resolve the issue, it
will be presented to another third party, with the authority to
decide the issue. (Or, the third party will resolve the issue.)
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| Up until such and such a
date, each party to the planned marriage may break off without
punishment. After that date, it is agreed that anyone breaking the
engagement must ask the other’s forgiveness and pay a sum
adjudicated by a Beth Din, specifically, Beth Din _______ or a rabbi
or rabbinical court or other person who is the emissary of the Beth
Din, or one so empowered by that Beth Din.
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| It is agreed that before
the marriage the two parties will meet with a qualified person,
recommended by the above Beth Din, who will go over with them the
various financial and emotional issues that may arise and come
between them. They will then resolve these issues themselves, or
allow the third party or even a Beth Din to do so.
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| The couple is committed
to counseling such and such times with so and so during the first
year, and subsequently will pursue counseling, learning, and
training from experienced people and teachers.
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| The couple agrees that
every week at least two hours during waking hours must be spent
without any discussion of problems, only to relax and enjoy each
other’s company in the most tranquil surroundings.
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| Intimacy will be planned
and not sporadic, a part of the obligations of the spouses and not
something based on moods alone. Each person must prepare for the
period of intimacy, removing any thoughts or words that could arouse
anger or negative feelings. This can perhaps be achieved by
counseling, or continued efforts to achieve it.
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| The couple commits
itself to prudent financial planning, to minimize consumption and
debt, so that the house is blessed with tranquility, and not the
fear of credit card payments. |
| Each person has the
right to refuse friends and family into the home if they feel that
such will damage their marriage, or cause them grief. This kind of
problem can be reviewed by a third person or Beth Din.
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| The couple knows that
monetary stress is deleterious to the marriage, and will be
cognizant of this at all times, to increase efforts to save the
marriage when there are money problems.
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| The same is true when
there are stresses with health or children.
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| Each person in the
marriage pledges to be on the guard for friends and others who may
disparage the spouse, or who say generally discouraging things about
marriage, men or women. It is forbidden to talk to such a person. It
is surely forbidden to invite such a person to the house, to watch
all that transpires, and to comment in a manner to destroy the peace
of the house. |
| In the event that the
marriage does not work out, there is a process as follows. First,
throughout the marriage, there is a regular review by a qualified
third party, of all that goes on in the marriage. Every attempt will
be made to resolve any issue that surfaces. If, however, there are
problems that cannot be resolved and it looks like a serious
rupture, the counseling now switches to dealing with a potential
divorce. First, both partners are told that things have reached the
point where they must be aware of the potential for a divorce.
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| Secondly, all anger must
be eviscerated, if possible. The couple is encouraged to divorce
without irrational fears, because they have nothing to fear, as they
are going to settle everything at a Beth Din of their choosing.
Every effort will be made to satisfy both sides, so that nothing is
really contested. |
| Each side promises that
in the event, heaven forbid, of divorce discussions, that they will
refuse the assistance of anyone who is known to provoke "gender"
battles, or who is an activist on behalf of men or women, a partisan
rather than a maker of peace and calm. A divorce without loshon hora
and threats, anger and fear, is the desideratum.
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| If one party refuses to
divorce, there is a Din Torah at such and such a Beth Din. It is
forbidden to go to civil court for any marital or financial
problems. |
| Both parties do hereby
swear that they will not go to civil court for marital and financial
difficulties without the permission of a rabbinical court.
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| In the event that
someone does go to civil court, they have violated their sworn word,
and may be ostracized by the community, in such a manner permitted
by Beth Din such and such. |
| Each party gives the
other party a sum of ten dollars to guarantee that they not take any
financial or marital matters to civil court. If they violate this,
they will have stolen the ten dollars. The rabbinical court will
deal with this violation of this agreement, binding because of the
oath and payment. |
| If the marriage is
blessed with children, the couple accepts the ruling of the Talmud
that even if one’s spouse is bad, there must not be a divorce for
the sake of the children. A rabbinical court must be invoked to give
permission to divorce. The couple realizes that even a woman who has
spent the night with a strange man, after the husband warns her, is
brought back into the house with the process of "the bitter waters."
This shows us how important it is not to use evil of a spouse to
break up a family, which destroys the peace of the Holy Name, heaven
forfend. Certainly, if children are involved, they are not to suffer
because of marital problems. |
| Each party to the
marriage commits to prayer and seeking of blessings for a successful
marriage, which will surely follow if the above is obeyed properly.
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The above is a general idea of what
a proper pre-nuptial agreement achieves. It leads to calm and peace. One
pre-nuptial agreement I have seen is an invitation to war. There is
nothing there about counseling, nothing about calm consideration of the
proper way to go about a crisis in marriage, only wham! and smacko! to
the husband. Any husband who signs such a pre-nuptial agreement has no
self-respect, or lives in an environment where husbands are whipped and
put into the corner. I am shocked to see a pre-nuptial clause whereby
the parties are bound by the equitable agreements laws according to the
civil law, and not the Torah. This is Torah bankruptcy. Such an
atmosphere of terror to husbands and violation of Jewish Law can only
contribute to the present atmosphere where invalid Gittin are producing
fears of mamzerim. On the other hand, the shocking pre-nuptial document
mentioned in the previous paragraph was prepared by a prominent
organization, and they did it because of the wave of hysteria engulfing
modern Orthodox women, and some not modern. The women have "had enough,"
and they will not rest until they get the "evil" men in their lives and
the blockhead rabbis to do the right thing. It is all part of the
secular gender hate, and a Jew has NO portion in such! This is easier
said than done. In my case, back in the seventies, I realized this was
happening and left the general community to seek refuge for my children
in the narrow confines of the ultra-Orthodox Hassidic community. Not
everybody can do this, but the point is, When do we get out? At what
point do we tell the world, "Stop! I want to get off"? |
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